Kids Say the Darndest Things, Holiday Edition

When I worked at The York Dispatch in the mid-1990s, the newspaper invited its youngest readers to write stories about the holiday season. Many turned in tales about catching a peek at Santa on Christmas Eve or visiting the North Pole or discovering what the spirit of Christmas is truly about.

I saved excerpts of some of the kids' most humorous submissions. Here they are, for your enjoyment this afternoon:

• "How do reindeer fly? Do they need special rabbit food?"
• "Santa needs a brand new bag. Because somebody stole it."
• "What is misoltoe? Do you have to kiss if you stand under it? Will dirt fall on you?"
• "When Santa got back to the North Pole, he was so tired. He layed on the couch and watched an hour of football. The Eagles vs. the 49ers. He wished that there was a North Pole team."
• "Once upon a time Santa Claus had a problem. His reindeer were dead."
• "When it was Christmas, my sister got the chicken pox under her nose and it look like bugger."
• "Once upon a time there was a boy named Elfis."

And this short-story submission, penned by a third-grader, was my favorite:

Christmas ToysThere once was a santa who never brought clothes.
On Christmas he only brought toys.
He had brought toys that kids didn't ask for.
He had not even brought the toys that kids asked for.
Sometimes he had even missed kids that were on his list.
He did not check for naughty kids, bad kids, and good kids.
The kids told the police.
Santa said "I must of missed them."
The End