Tuesday, October 27, 2020

Vincent Price tells it like it is

The 1981 clunker of a horror film The Monster Club (not to be confused with 1987's The Monster Squad) has one good thing going for it: Vincent Price. In the framing story of the anthology film, Price plays a vampire who bites a writer (played by the equally iconic John Carradine) and takes him to a club where strange tales are told throughout the night. 

At the end, Price invites Carradine to become the first "hume" (as these monsters call humans) member of the club.

"But I'm not a monster!" Carradine protests.

"Nonsense!" says Price. "You're the greatest monster of them all!"

A few moments later, Price launches into this soliloquy:
"Can we truly call this a monster club if we do not host amongst our membership a single member of the human race? ... In the past 60 years, humes have exterminated over 150 million of their own kind. No effort has been spared to reach this astronomical figure. And the methods that they have used must demand our unstinted admiration. 

"You know, humes began with certain very serious disadvantages, but these they overcame with wonderful ingenuity, not having a fang or a claw or even a whistle worth talking about. They invented guns and tanks and bombs and aeroplanes and extermination camps and poison gas and daggers and swords and bayonets and booby traps and atomic bombs and flying missiles. Submarines, warships, aircraft carriers and motorcars. They have even perfected a process whereby they can spread a lethal disease on any part of this planet. Not to say anything about nuclear power. 

"During their short history you know, humes have subjected other humes to death by burning, hanging, decapitation, strangulation, electrocution, shooting, drowning, crushing, racking, disemboweling and other methods far, far too revolting for the delicate stomachs of this august assembly."

Sigh. The truth hurts.

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